Knew Moon

That's the kind of mistake I've been making all morning. I'm working on 2 hours of sleep here, and it's not a good thing. I went to the New Moon premier at midnight and the whole evening was a huge reminder to me-that I'm old. Oh, I know, if you were here, you'd say, "You're not old." and I'd say, "Oh, thanks, you're sweet." (Because I'm working on being gracious about compliments.) But, I'd be thinking, "You're lying to me because you've been taught to be kind to old people."
It all started when I arrived at my sister's friend's house. As soon as I walked in, I knew I was the oldest person in the room. Cool when you're 18, not when you're 43. I listened to these 20-30-something girls talk about their kids. Even though I have kids the same age, they have something I'm lacking. It's that fresh-faced enthusiam for motherhood. Yeah, I lost that a long time ago. It was replaced by good old-fashioned cynisism and exhaustion. I was determined to have a good time, though.
We had dinner, then shopped a little before heading to the theater to grab a place in line. Luckily, they let us line up inside. We pulled up a piece of floor. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than the alternative of standing for 3 hours. I had to constantly move my legs. I said it was because my foot was falling asleep. Not true. It was because my hips were killing me. I didn't say that, though. Nothing will tag you as an old person faster than hip pain. I might as well have snuck in prune juice and bran flakes. Just tattoo 'Old Fart' on my forehead and be done with it.
Later, I made a Brady Bunch reference. My sister, yes, my sister (who was born when I was 15) looked at me like I'd spoken in another language. "Have you ever seen it?" 'Maybe once.' she said. Ugh! I think I can feel the hot flashes starting.
Lastly, was the movie. I'm a little dumbfounded by the whole 'Jacob vs Edward' thing. How are you on Team Jacob? Did you not read the books? She doesn't choose him. Duh. Anyway. I've heard alot about how hot Jacob is. I don't feel right talking like that. I saw Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob, on the news. Do you know how old he is? 17. Yes. Seven.Teen. Do you know how old my oldest son will be in 11 days? Yep. Seventeen. So, little Jacob is young enough to be my child. I can't drool over him without feeling creepy.
Now, it's morning and my eyes feel like they have sand in them. I have a headache and my brain-hand coordination is seriously impared. Staying out all night was fun. Will I do it again? Not for a while. Next time, maybe I'll go out with some people closer to my age. We can play canasta and talk about our denture problems. Ok, so I'm not that old. Yet.

Tis the Season to be Thankful

It's that time of year, when we count our many blessings. It's always good to stop and reflect on all we have. Sometimes, it's hard, though, to find things to be thankful for. Life being what it is, it's easier to focus on all that's wrong, or at least difficult. I had someone tell me once that looking at someone else's misfortune isn't a good way to feel better about your own situation. I don't agree. Sometimes, the phrase 'it could be worse' is the only way to feel better about yourself. I figure, any way to find things that are good is, well, good. An optimist at heart, I try to find the positive in everything. So, here's some things I'm thankful for.



1. My kids. No matter how I mumble about them, I am grateful to have them. I'm grateful that they're healthy. No major disabilities or life-threatening illnesses. Unless a bad attitude is life-threatening, in that case, we're in serious trouble. They're all smart. Not that their report cards would prove that. No, I'm aware of this because they tell me- every chance they get. "I know, Mom." Really, with all they know, they should have college degrees! But, with everything else they may be, it could be worse-



2. I'm thankful for friends. I have friends from Arizona to Idaho, California to Nebraska, and of course, all over Utah. I am grateful for them, even though they intimidate me. I'm sure they have their failings and faults, but from the outside-looking-in, they're pretty fabulous. Perfect houses, gorgeous yards and did I mention that they're all thinner than me? (There's at least one who can still fit in her wedding dress- what the heck?!?!) But, for some weird reason, they still want to be my friend. Wow, that sounds so high school. (Oh, yeah, and some of them were born when I was in high school.) I'm sure that none of them really rivals Martha Stewart, but they have the illusion down pretty good. I'm grateful for them, though, because they make me want to be better, to be more like them. And, when things get tough, or just day to day, there's nothing like having a good friend you can turn to. And, it could be worse, they could be like these ladies-

3. I'm thankful for family. My family is crazy. Not 'I'm out of Prozac.' or 'Is Bobby back in the center, again?' crazy. No, we're more leg-wrestling, prank-pulling, game playing, laugh-till-the- soda-comes-out-your-nose crazy. We're loud and a bit over-bearing. But, we love each other and accept each other unconditionally. Of course, it could be worse-

4. I'm grateful for my husband. No, he doesn't look like this guy, nor would I want him to.

(Seriously, vampire stuff aside, this boy is young enough to be my son. Not kidding, he was born 2 years after I graduated from high school.) No, I put his picture here for a point. My husband has been very patient with me and my Twilight fascination. (I don't say obsession because I'm not to that point. No Edward bumper stickers or t-shirts in my closet.) My hubby doesn't ever roll his eyes at me when I start reading the books-again. He didn't even complain when I told him I was going to a midnight showing of New Moon. He has loved me through thick and thin, literally. There's no 'it could be worse' with him. He isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me.

5. I'm grateful for my body. It's been through alot. Bore several very large babies. Gained and lost many, many pounds. It's amazing how resilient it is. Of course, it isn't what I would like it to be, that's not possible. If I could have my way, I'd have my 18 year-old body back. The one I had when I was on the dance team at Ricks. My husband didn't know me then. Good thing. If he really knew what I looked like back in 1985, he'd be spending all his time trying to invent a time machine! I'd probably help him. No, I'm coming to terms with my age. Thing is, if I had to go back to being 18, it wouldn't be worth it. I've learned alot but, I've also been through alot. I'd much rather have my 40-something body, with it's sags and wrinkles, than to go through it all again! And, really, it could be sooo much worse-

What are you thankful for?

Ideal Costumes

Ah, Halloween. I'm so glad it's over! I was planning on doing this post a few days ago, but, alas, my life just didn't allow it. So, even though I'm officially celebrating the end of the Halloween season, I'm doing a post on it.
Halloween is great for kids. I LOVED it when I was growing up. Something about dressing up as something you aren't is so fun. I've been thinking about the whole costume thing. I realized, we dress up as something we aren't and really, something we most likely, never will be. Example: my niece was Cinderella. Though we call her a princess, she doesn't have much chance of ever being one. No one ever dresses as Cinderella before the ball- that'd be like dressing up like your mom (cooking and cleaning all day). Ditto with Snow White- it's the post-kiss girl they want to be. Who wants to be the pretty girl who has to take care of 7 messy dwarves? Oh, wait. Deja vu. The boys are the same. Cowboys, Batman, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (well, I guess they could grow up to be that, but let's not think about it.)
So, what if we dressed up more like our true selves? I've been contemplating that. If my six year-old did, he would look like this-


Always on the go and destroying everything in his path! (Will my walls ever be free of marker graffiti?)
As for my daughter, well, last year I might have suggested an angel. What a difference a year makes. What happens when that 'teen' gets added to their age? This year, if I could, I would've dressed her as a hormone.
My teenage boys are easy.

Don't be confused. See how cute this is? Yep, that's how they all start. You see that newborn and think, "Oh, I should have, like, seven of these. They're so cute and cuddly and soft. Ooooh, I love them!" Yep, and then they grow up and this is what they look like-

Anybody got a badger costume? I'm sure I could use it next year.

Now, there's me. What would I dress as if I was going as my true self? If my kids had any say, I'm sure a taskmaster would be appropriate, maybe that combined with this one-

I admit it, I'm pretty witchy alot of the time. Maybe that comes from living the life of a pre-prince princess. Whatever. Someone told me once if your teenagers are mad at you, then you're doing your job. Sheesh. I should get a raise. To your own self be true, isn't that the old saying? Well, if that's right, then I know one costume I'd never wear-

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Happy post-Halloween!

Not Alone

I was probably 4 or 5 years old. Our family had gone to the drive-in movie. I don't know if I'd gone to the bathroom by myself, or with my sister. All I know is I got lost. I was walking around this sea of cars and couldn't find our green station wagon. I'm sure I started to cry. I was found by a police officer who helped me find my parents. It's one of my earliest memories. I don't wonder why, it's a terrifying thing, being lost. Feeling alone.
It's something kids avoid. I have a clear image of Tabatha when she was three. I would stand on our front steps and watch her as she walked down the street, blonde hair bouncing on her shoulders. I'd watch until she reached the end of the block then as she climbed the steps to her best friend, Robby's house. Once her hot pink sweatshirt disappeared into their house, I would go back inside. Around this same time, my two oldest boys were in elementary school. I had a hard time walking them to the bus in the morning, because I had Tababtha and a new baby. So, I suggested that they walk from our house to their friends' house, then the four of them could go across the street to the bus. This was agreeable only if I watched them until they got to the friend's house. After doing this for a few days, I tried to let them go it alone. Chip stood at the front door, "Mom, will you watch me?" Sigh. Put the baby down. Stand on the steps and watch as two little boys head off down the street. Every few feet, one of them would stop and look back. I would wave, silently assuring them, "Yes, I'm still here. I'm watching. You are not alone."
This experience made me think about our own 'childhood' in the pre-existence. I'm sure some of us were very confident and made that leap from our heavenly home without hesitation. But, I think some of us were a little more unsure. I can imagine myself, looking back at heavenly Parents asking, "Will you watch me?" Being separted from their loving care must have seemed daunting if not down right frightening. We were prepared, we'd been taught, but this was all so new. Now that I'm here, I find myself 'looking back', trying to find some assurance that I'm being watched over, that someone who loves me is making sure that I'm ok. Making sure I'm not alone. I feel so blessed to know where I can go. Time on my knees and with my scriptures is my way of looking back, asking for that affirmation. And, when I make the effort, without fail, I get my answer, the wave that says, "I'm here, I'm watching. You are not alone." And then I get the courage to go on.
"Fear not, little flock, do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6: 34,36)

Truth or Consequences

If life had a rulebook, one of the first rules would be that actions have consequences. This is something we learn from the beginning. As a newborn, you cry and someone (hopefully) picks you up, gives you food, changes your diaper, etc. We get older and learn that crying doesn't bring the same result, though many children still try. As we age, we also learn that there are negative consequences to our negative decisions. Case in point, my sons stay out after they are told to be home and they face the wrath of mom. They are also grounded from friends and activities for a week. My sister is great, I think, at giving consequences. She was grounded alot as a teenager, maybe that's why she's more creative now. Recently, her teenage daughter was caught in a lie. Her punishment- she had to move a couple hundred pieces of wood from a pile to make a 'wall' at the back of the yard. When I saw the wall I was impressed. I'll bet she thinks about that every time she's in the back yard. That's a good consequence.

I started thinking about consequences when I was listening to a radio show this morning. They were discussing the whole David Letterman fiasco. The DJ's were talking about how mad his wife must be (ya' think?) and how his marriage probably won't survive. Then, to my shock and horror, one of them suggested that Mr. Letterman should've just paid off the guy that was blackmailing him because the 2 million he wanted would be a lot cheaper than what he'll have to pay his wife if they divorce. WHAT?!?!? If I'd been home and not in my car, I would've called in. I mean, really! It would've been better if he'd paid off the blackmailer and kept the whole thing a secret from his wife? The world seems to have this notion that it's ok to break the rules as long as you don't get caught. Then, if you do, you simply 'pay the price'. I remember a basketball player a few years ago that got caught in an affair, and he simply bought his wife a HUGE diamond ring. The consequences go much deeper than the money David Letterman might have to pay in alimony. The hurt and betrayal felt by his wife and child are results that can't be erased by any dollar amount. I don't watch his show, but have seen some clips of what he's said about it. Seems like he's sorry, but I'm not sure if it's sorrow for the pain or just for not getting away with it. Maybe we should have a consequence list for people like that. Some things that would make them think before doing it again. Moving several hundred pieces of wood might do some good for Mr. Letterman, or maybe he should write an essay about why what he did was wrong (a suggestion of a friend). If you want to leave a comment, tell me about a consequence that either you received or you've given your kids. I'd love to hear about it!

What I Know...

I know that I love conference weekend. When I was a kid it was the time when we got to stay in pj's on Sunday. As a teen, I remember taking notes for Seminary (hated it!). As a missionary, it was a much needed boost and a weekend free of the stress of normal missionary activities. Now that I'm a 'grown-up', it's much different. I guess I take it more seriously than I used to. Maybe in my mature state I've finally come to realize how important it is to take advantage of the opportunity to listen to a prophet's voice. When we sustained the Prophet and Apsotles as 'prophets, seers and revelators' it struck me how blessed we are to know what we know.
I know that we can have personal revelation. It still amazes me how so many people can get so many answers in the same scriptures. Conference is like that, too. We are so incredibly blessed to have a prophet and other leaders who teach us in our time, discussing the things we are going through right now.
So often, I talk about how I know that our Father in Heaven is aware of us. I believe that, yet sometimes I think I forget how it applies to me. It's easier, somehow, to tell others that He's aware of them, than it is to know He knows me. This weekend is a big reminder that I, too, am His child and on His list of those He will bless. I've often heard that if you go into conference weekend with a question that you've prayed about, you will get an answer during conference. I decided to try it.
Can I tell you that I got my answer in at least four talks today? I'm not trying to brag here, just making a point. My Heavenly Father heard my prayer (which, by the way wasn't a 'spiritual' question) and found a way to answer that prayer through the talks given, not once, but several times. (I'm a bit thick-headed, He probably knew I needed to hear it more than once. "Yes, Jewels, I'm talking to you.") What an overwhelming feeling. In this world with so many people, so many who are much more righteous and deserving than me, He took the time and effort to answer my prayer. He knows me and He loves me.
Which, of course, means He loves you. Yes, my sister-friends, (and any brother-friends who might be reading), He loves you and He knows what you're going through. He knows how hard it is to be patient when your kids are disobedient (He really knows that one!). He knows you're tempted by the things of the world and how you struggle to find a balance. He knows having children isn't easy, but He's so grateful that you've done it. He has all these spirit children in need of bodies and the fact that you're willing to bring them here and then raise them-can you imagine how grateful He is for that? He knows how hard it is to have teenagers, but He knows how they're at such a fragile time, and, again, He's thankful that you're willing to put up with them, trying to be positive in the midst of their negativity, that you haven't strangled them or put them out on the street. He knows you and the secret longings of your heart, your dreams that you don't tell anyone because they seem too outrageous or silly. He doesn't think they're silly. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to be happy. So, He sends us prophets, and apostles, and bishops, and teachers, and friends, who are inspired to say the things we need to hear just when we need to hear them. Because He knows when we need to hear them. He knows. He loves us and He knows us. If I got nothing else from this conference weekend, I got that. A boost to my testimony that He knows. And, really, that's all I need to know.

A New Freedom

I remember the night very well. We had 4 tickets to a Jazz game and had invited my sister and her husband to go. Problem? Babysistter. We had 6 children at the time. Do you know how much you have to pay babysitters? I didn't for a long time. We just didn't go anywhere. When I asked, I was told $1/hour per child. PER CHILD?!?!?!? That's six bucks an hour, more than minimum wage at the time! No wonder we never went anywhere. We decided that it was time to see if our older kids could handle babysitting for longer than half an hour.

So, with a palpating heart, long instructions, and cell phone in hand, we left. We were gone for 5 hours. Guess what? They survivied! The house did not burn down and no one bled. That was the beginning of a very magical time in our lives, "The Time of the Built-in Babysitters". Can I tell you that I love this time in my life? If I need to run to the store, I don't have to drag a bunch of monkeys with me. (I'm not being rude, calling them that. It's just that that's how they act, like a monkey with something shiny dangled in front of it. Ooohhh! Shiny, I must see it, I must touch it, I must have it!) If I want to go anywhere, not that I have a lot of places to go, I can. I just say, "Hey, I'll be back in an hour. Watch your brothers." It's an amazing freedom I didn't think I'd ever have.

Not that there haven't been difficulties. Cell phones are fantastic, but they can also be annoying. For instance, when your oldest son and his sister are fighting and feel the need to have you referee-while you're at the movies. I can't remember which movie it was, but my husband missed about half of it, running out with his cell phone. We sat the kids down after that and had a long discussion. Ok, it was more like a sermon. We talked and they listened, mumbling "I'm sorry" every now and then. They do much better, tho', we still have the occasional inappropriate call.
ring*ring* (me) "What?" 'Mom, can I have some ramen noodles?' "Really, this is what you're calling me for?" 'Well, I was getting some, then Chip said I couldn't have any and he took them away from me. Then, I told him I was calling you and he took the phone away, so I had to go find another one and he doesn't know I'm calling.' -sigh-

This weekend is a new test. I put in a request for a day off. You know how hard those are to get in our line of work! The problem is that we've never left them alone overnight, and I want a whole day off. I tried unsuccessfully to find someone to stay, though I felt a little funny since the two oldest are 15 and 16. It came down to my options being- leave them alone or stay home. It's not like I'm going very far, I'm not. (Not like my friend whose husband had to convince her to go to Hawaii for a week. What the heck? I'd throw some peanut butter and bread at my kids and be on the next plane.) I've made it as easy as I can for the boys, finding a place for the two youngest to stay and sending my daughter to a friends'. It still makes me nervous. I don't worry that they'll have girls over or a party. It's just that whole responsibility thing. Hoping they'll do what you asked even when you aren't there to check. My fingers are crossed that I won't get any calls, for emergencies or otherwise. If they pass this test, they'll be rewarded, and so will I- with a whole new set of freedoms! "Hey, kids, watch your brothers, I'll be back in the morning!"