frazzled & frumpy

Last week was my birthday. It wasn't a "big" one that ended in a zero. All the same, it felt big. Maybe because the one ending in zero is next year. And that zero will have a 5 in front of it. Yes, it's true. I turned 49. And honestly, I'm wondering how the hell it happened. No, I'm not kidding, not being glib. I really don't understand how I'm suddenly an 'older' person. OK, maybe it wasn't so sudden. I've been 'older' for a few years now. But, this year, I feel it. I could blame it on college. I walk around campus in the ant-like crowds and can't miss the age differences. I'm fully aware of the smooth skin and tight everything on those kids. They're overly stylish even in their I-don't-care fashion. They talk about dating and roomates and who just got home from what mission. I walk among them as invisible as a tree--something to maneuver around. But it's more than my new-found student-status. It...

23 years ago I woke on a sunny December morning, butterflies abounding. Wedding day. Is there any more thrilling day in the life? Our courtship had been short and fast-paced, starting wedding plans after only a month of dating. Now, the dress had been borrowed and altered, the tuxedos ordered and picked up, the cake made and the church reserved and ready for decorations. Just miles away, the temple stood waiting.  That young woman is so very different than who I am today. I wonder, if I could sit with her that morning as she rushed to put on makeup and do her hair, what would I tell her? Would I explain that the man she would soon kneel across the altar from was a good man? Should I tell her how he adored her and how he would do just about anything for her? Perhaps she already suspected this, but I know she didn't understand the depth of his adoration. Could I whisper to her that he was not, in fact, perfect? That there would be times he would disappoint her, and that she...

I sometimes wonder how my feet ever got married to my husband's. They are so incredibly different.  He wears shoes. All. Day. Long. Like, even if he isn't going to leave the house for the rest of the day, his shoes stay on. Until bedtime. My feet start to sweat when I just look at his shoe-clad tootsies. I take off my shoes about 2.7 seconds after I walk in the door.  Also, his feet do not like to be touched. Ever. Mine? Oh, please, my feet are sluts. They would be touched all day everyday if they could. And, then they would beg you to touch them some more. Also, his feet are sort of ugly. He doesn't feel bad. He has man-feet. They're never attractive. Mine are pretty cute, even if they are humongous size 11's.  I like his feet, though. They carry him around and he lets me use them as heaters when mine get cold in the night. But, they've had a bit of a sordid history.  First, he chopped his foot with an ax .  Diagnosis: severed tendon. Tre...

A friend asked me recently if my marriage was where I thought it would be. This question gave me pause. When this picture was taken, we were so involved in the butterflies-and-stars-in-our-eyes that we didn't see very far ahead. Tomorrow is our twenty-second anniversary. All these years, babies that are now grown children, so many moves, cancer-- those things were dreams un-spun. I knew our lives would not be perfect, but there is no way I could have foreseen the up and downs and twists and turns our marriage would take. Which is ok, because married life is just that--life. We don't get to know what's coming. But, we can do things to keep our relationship strong and grounded, so that when the happy-dance-around-the-house times make way for difficulties, we're prepared. Last year, I shared some of our 'secrets' to a happy marriage. I'm sharing them again because I think they're essential. Because marriage is sacred. Because it is the most importa...

Once Upon a Time... I was young,  and thin, and cute.  (I even wore heels.) And then I met  the Handy Man. He dazzled me with his handy-ness. He thought I was cute.  The feeling was mutual. So, we got married. And, then.. We had a baby. A bunch of them. And, now,  I look like this. frazzled and frumpy. The Handy Man? Looks like this. But, he still thinks I'm cute. And, the feeling is still mutual.

(It's almost fall!!) It's Friday and things are getting back to normal. The Handy Man is at work and I'm babysitting twins. (Cue Blue's Clues in the background.) I feel like maybe I can get back to the things I normally do, since that stupid cancer cloud has finally gone away.  Here's five things about my life-- 1- The Handy Man went back to the doctor. His 'empty space' is healing nicely. So the doctor says. Looks gross and swollen to me. We discussed how in a year (or two) it won't even look weird to us. It'll just be his foot. And, someday, our grandkids will think it's awesome that Grandpa only has 9 toes. I considered including a picture, but wasn't sure you wanted to see it. I find it fascinating, but, then, I kinda love him, missing toe and all. A less gross pic. 2- The reason I have few pictures lately is because my kids make a habit of stealing my batteries. Every time I get some new rechargeables, I swear to them ...

We contemplated the ride for a while. Knew it had breathtaking twists and turns. Knew we couldn't really afford the trip. And, so we turned our backs, pretended it wasn't there. July 23, 2013 Voldemort We haven’t said the word. Sort of like Harry Potter- “Don’t say the name.”  We’ve talked about the ‘mole’. We refer to his 'toe'. I set up ‘the screening’. But we are loathe to say it. To verbalize the word would make the possibility all too real. It stands there just beyond my reach, taunting me with billboards and ads and facebook posts. It is the ghost that haunts my days and keeps me awake at night. Worse than anything in the closet or hiding under the bed, it is brazenly mocking me in broad daylight.  And, then, the roar of the wheels could no longer be ignored. Reluctantly, we got on. July 31, 2013 Screening Four a.m. his alarm jolts me out of a fitful sleep. I lay there, in that ignorant moment, wondering why there’s a heaviness in my stomach. Then ...

Our home is decked out in red and pink. There are hearts, cupids, and banners that exclaim love and my desire to possess everyone in the house. Be Mine!    (I'm sort of selfish that way.) My kids get very excited for Love Week. Mostly, it's the candy. But, hopefully, they're also excited for the love notes they get each day.  Hopefully, they'll tuck these little treasures in their drawers and when they see them in May or August, they'll be reassured that they are indeed loved. I try to express love for my family every day. We say "I love you" a lot. I cook them dinners and wash their laundry--little acts of kindness that say I care. But, I think we all need a little something extra every now and then. And, in this day of technology and email and facebook, a hand-written note is rare. Maybe they won't appreciate it until years later, but I cling to the hope that someday they will. As part of Love Week, I'll tell you some things that I love...

Of all the things I could give the Handy Man for his birthday, a post on here is not on his wish list.  He doesn't like attention of any kind. Well, not the public kind, anyway.  But, it's his day and I'm going to post about him. (Love you, babe!) Here's a few things about my husband- He lived in the same house his whole life (age 5 on). His parents still live there. He is the 8th of nine children. Growing up, he was shy and not very social. (Hasn't changed.) His hard working ethic has been firmly in place from a very young age.  He's always had a job, since high school. He went on a mission for our church to Rochester, NY.  This is where we met. (In Buffalo, actually.) This was a good way to meet, as we were just friends. (Missionaries are strictly forbidden to date--anyone.) He loves movies. And Mexican food.  He hates parties or any occasion that involves socializing. In the 21 years we've been married, he's called in sick maybe 6 t...

The Handy Man woke me this morning at 5am.  "We should be together today," he said between kisses. I agreed. He left for work and I laid awake.  This is what you do when you have a big family and your anniversary is a couple weeks before Christmas. I'll spend my day going to the laundromat and working on my book.  Tonight, we'll have pizza with the kids and watch a movie on TV.  (Don't worry, we'll get a real celebration after Christmas.) As I curled up under my blanket, I thought about the last 21 years and what we have to show for it.  No big house, fancy car or even a date to mark the day.  What we do have is eight beautiful, healthy children who aren't bothered by things like saying 'I love you' to us and each other.  We have more memories than I can count.  And, the best thing? We're more in love than ever.  We don't get those butterflies anymore, instead we have a familiar, comforting feeling of knowing that this person is there f...

He wasn't my dream man.  Not the one I'd stayed up high school nights thinking of.  I had a list, a long one. We'd all made them.  "Qualities I Want in an Eternal Mate"  Of course, mine went way beyond internal qualities like kindness or character and spilled right over into every last detail. He would be tall and dark and handsome.  A love to dance was  a must.  Play an instrument? Bonus.   He would have a college degree and wealth, well, of course he would have that.  Good taste in clothes.  You know, all the very important things. Oh, and he would come into my life like a tidal wave and sweep me off my feet with his romanticism. We met when we were serving missions for our church.  Though our families lived merely two miles apart in Utah, we had to travel to New York to find each other.   He was young and cute.  But, as missionaries are strictly forbidden to date each other or anyone else, we fell into fr...

7304 days or  177390 hours.  That's how long the Handy Man will have been married on Wednesday.  Time has flown by.  I know we're blessed to still be together with the divorce rate so high.  I looked at some Hollywood marriages and the reasons for their demise. Here's a few examples- Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries-  What does a $10 million dollar wedding get you? 10 weeks. That's a million a week. Probably a bargain compared to what she usually spends. Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger- 4 months. He wrote a song for her, how could that not be forever? They explained the reason for their split as the 'miscommunication of the object of their marriage'.  Don't most people know that marriage is for, you know, being married?  Kind of a no-brainer. Shannon Doherty and Chad Hamilton- 5 months.  She wore a silk bathrobe to the ceremony.  Then, he left her because she threatened him with a pistol. Good argument for not getting married af...