Sunday, October 25, 2009

Not Alone

I was probably 4 or 5 years old. Our family had gone to the drive-in movie. I don't know if I'd gone to the bathroom by myself, or with my sister. All I know is I got lost. I was walking around this sea of cars and couldn't find our green station wagon. I'm sure I started to cry. I was found by a police officer who helped me find my parents. It's one of my earliest memories. I don't wonder why, it's a terrifying thing, being lost. Feeling alone.
It's something kids avoid. I have a clear image of Tabatha when she was three. I would stand on our front steps and watch her as she walked down the street, blonde hair bouncing on her shoulders. I'd watch until she reached the end of the block then as she climbed the steps to her best friend, Robby's house. Once her hot pink sweatshirt disappeared into their house, I would go back inside. Around this same time, my two oldest boys were in elementary school. I had a hard time walking them to the bus in the morning, because I had Tababtha and a new baby. So, I suggested that they walk from our house to their friends' house, then the four of them could go across the street to the bus. This was agreeable only if I watched them until they got to the friend's house. After doing this for a few days, I tried to let them go it alone. Chip stood at the front door, "Mom, will you watch me?" Sigh. Put the baby down. Stand on the steps and watch as two little boys head off down the street. Every few feet, one of them would stop and look back. I would wave, silently assuring them, "Yes, I'm still here. I'm watching. You are not alone."
This experience made me think about our own 'childhood' in the pre-existence. I'm sure some of us were very confident and made that leap from our heavenly home without hesitation. But, I think some of us were a little more unsure. I can imagine myself, looking back at heavenly Parents asking, "Will you watch me?" Being separted from their loving care must have seemed daunting if not down right frightening. We were prepared, we'd been taught, but this was all so new. Now that I'm here, I find myself 'looking back', trying to find some assurance that I'm being watched over, that someone who loves me is making sure that I'm ok. Making sure I'm not alone. I feel so blessed to know where I can go. Time on my knees and with my scriptures is my way of looking back, asking for that affirmation. And, when I make the effort, without fail, I get my answer, the wave that says, "I'm here, I'm watching. You are not alone." And then I get the courage to go on.
"Fear not, little flock, do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6: 34,36)

3 comments:

  1. I LOVE it! That was, as always, pefectly stated. Have a great day!

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  2. Thank you for your insight. You always seem to know how other's feel. I guess I've been looking back trying to make sure I'm being watched and that I'm not alone. Your post let me feel that spirit and I know I'm not alone. Thanks again!!

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