Tuesday, January 12, 2010

For My Baby Sister

Do you know what your first toy was? If you were a girl, good chance it was a baby doll. From our very first concious moments, we are taught to be mothers. We feed, diaper and even pretend to nurse our little plastic children. "Let's play house," was the favorite passtime. I never wanted anything else.
We are mothers before we have our children. The very idea of having a baby is like a pregnant thought that grows and develops and changes our feelings about everything, mostly the future. I have a vivid memory of my husband pushing an empty stroller around our apartment when I was pregnant with our first. We were so excited, we couldn't wait to become three.
Then, when these little heart-stealers come into our lives, nothing is ever the same. Who knew you could love something so very much? It almost breaks your heart to feel so many things all at once. Everything they do is amazing. Every smile, coo and burp is a celebration. They grow and so does your love for them. Pity the fool who tries to harm your child, 'Mamma Bear' is ever on the prowl.
If our love for our children is so profound, then the loss of one is infinitley deep. I can see where someone might say a miscarriage isn't a big deal, the baby wasn't viable, not even a baby really. That could only be said by someone who had never been pregnant. Someone who doesn't know that the moment you realize a little life is beating inside you- you love that life. It doesn't matter how many weeks along you are, you are pregnant and to you it is a baby. I never had a miscarriage myself, but we all know the fears we harbor every day of those precarious nine months. And, anyone who has had a child can empathize, because we know how much love is felt.
It's easy to wonder about the plan and the pain we all go through here. Why would I get pregnant just to lose it? Why would He give me a child, only to take it away? I don't know all of Heavenly Father's purposes, except that we are here to become like Him. He is a Father and He understands how much we love our children, because He loves us. He also knows what it's like to lose a child, He has already lost so many. We don't talk much about our Heavenly Mother, but I believe with all my heart that we have one. I imagine that She looks down on us and weeps with us, because, She, too lost 1/3 of her children. So, to become like Them, we must learn and grow, which means trials and pain. I'm not sure that helps much while we're going through it, but maybe, later, when the wounds are not so raw and we can look eyes that don't constantly shed tears, we can see His hand in our life and know that He has a plan. We may never understand it while we're here in this frail, mortal existance, but that's where faith comes in. And, I have faith that someday, someday we'll understand.

5 comments:

  1. Beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. Thanks Julie.

    Michelle

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  2. thank you julie! you're an amazing sister, and can't imagine life without you in it. thanks for coming over today, bringing cafe rio, diet coke, and brownies. i love you!!!

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  3. Julie, you have a gift with words. I can read your blog ALL day! That was beautiful. You are an incredible sister and mother to your family! Love you!

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  4. So well said! And speaking from experience...time does heal the wounds. And sometimes I think we must go through the trials that we do so that we can be understanding of each other and really BE THERE when they need us. I believe it's all part of the PLAN.

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  5. Julie - You don't know me, but I read your blog often. At times it brings me laughter and so often it brings me peace. You have such a wonderful perspective. This post was so appropriate as my new daughter-in-law just miscarried this last week. My heart went out to her. As a woman who has miscarried my heart goes out to anyone who has gone throught the loss, but as a grandmother-to-be your heart is there even more. If you could you'd take that pain away and carry it. But not being able to, we just try to be there when we can. The rest we leave to our Heavenly Father and know he will heal all. Thank you for your wonderful insight, and for the love you show!

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