One Step -or Ice Block- at a Time
I said in my last post that Sadie has confidence I didn't have at her age. It's true. I don't kid myself, tho', into thinking that she doesn't have insecurities. None of us get to skate by without them. But, you'd think that as we grow and mature, we'd be able to get over it. It's easy for me to tell my daughter and the other young women I work with how amazing they are. How they shouldn't listen to the world, shouldn't compare themselves to others, especially those in magazines or on TV. It's easy because I can see their beauty and potential. Their light shines so brilliantly, that sometimes I have to squint just to look at them. "You are beautiful and talented and amazing." Easy.
Taking my own advice is like trying to swallow a peach pit.
I don't ever look in the mirror and tell myself how amazing I am. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I'm grateful and it makes me love him all the more. Yet, inside, I cancel out that compliment with an un-healthy dose of self-criticism. It is a continual struggle. I read back on my recent post and it helps to remember those feelings, yet, those nagging doubts can creep in like ants under a door- unwelcome and biting.
Last night was a good example. Our YW had an ice blocking party. We met at our President's home which has an great hill for a backyard. The girls eagerly lugged the blocks of ice up the hill and carefully placed their towels on top. The looks of exhilaration on their faces were priceless! (Bad night to have dead camera batteries.) I found a comfy lawn chair and settled in to watch. One of the girls, who didn't want to partake of the frozen sledding, looked at me and said, "I'll go if Sister D does." I glared at her.
"Because you know I'm not going?"
"Well, I really don't want to ice block tonight."
So, that's who I am. The old leader who isn't any fun. I'm not criticizing her, it's true. I sat there and thought back on other activities where I stayed on the sidelines, using my camera as an excuse. Just last week at girls' camp, I purposely forgot my swimsuit. What kind of example am I to these girls if I give in to the imaginary peer pressure around me? (I say imaginary because my peers- the other leaders- really don't care what I look like.)
After three of the other leaders had all taken turns icing down the hill I swallowed that painful pit and stood up. "Sis D is going to do it?" Yeah, yeah, wipe the shocked looks off your faces. I grabbed a block of ice and a towel and headed up to join my cohorts. We raced down the hill three times. I wiped out twice. After the first wipe-out, everyone was quiet, maybe they thought I'd broken a hip. I rolled over and laughed. Then, they joined me. I laughed a lot last night. Sister President took pictures, and though I cringed, I didn't ask her to delete them.
Baby steps. It doesn't seem like much, but every step brings me closer to feeling like the woman I am. The woman He sees me as. The one who is beautiful and filled with potential. Small, childlike steps are okay, because I am a child, His child. I am learning. Line upon line, little by little. And, it doesn't really matter how fast we learn, as long as we're moving forward.