Crush- a Particularly Apt Description
Do you remember that crush? You know the one. The one who was completely clueless to your pining? He who cherished you- as a friend? Who asked nothing of you when you would have given him everything? The one who built a heaviness in your gut that you carried with you long after he had walked away? Do you remember his name? Of course you do. Though the butterflies and stars he summoned have long since turned to dust, he is engraved on your heart, like a carving on a tree.
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He was a Marine. Blonde crew cut, blue eyes. And that smile. The night we met we talked for hours. He didn't kiss me or hold my hand, didn't even touch me. Didn't matter. He unknowingly reached into my chest and stroked my heart.
I fell hard and fast.
He had found a friend.
For the next few weeks, we talked often. We were comfortable, like curling up on the couch. He told me his stories and listened to mine. The days I didn't talk to him, I sulked and worried. Weekdays were spent dreaming of his face and weekends were filled with the hope of seeing it. He was kind and thoughtful and smart. Perfect in almost every way.
Then came the day. The day he told me about her. He thought maybe he was falling in love. I couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow, couldn't wrap my mind around it. When did he meet her? How had he found time to fall in love when I rarely saw him? How could he love someone, anyone, but me?
Not long after he introduced me to the luckiest girl in the world, fate stepped in and split our paths. Two thousand miles should have eased the pain, but it only intensified the fire. His phone calls left me in tears and my mother completely frustrated. I dreamed of the day when our roads would cross again and he would finally see me for who I was. His 'one'.
It was unimaginable that I would ever have life without him in it, yet, our fates led us into different worlds. Now, I don't even know where he is. And, I've been living with another crush for twenty years.
He doesn't have a crew cut. He does have blue eyes. And my heart. The crush who crushed me back.
You nailed it. I still think about those crushes of my youth, especially the ones that put permanent cracks in my heart, and how I thought I'd never have a meaningful life without THAT person in it. Almost always if I do find that person, he is totally NOT who I'd want to be spending time with now. Still, that feeling, oh, that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI loved that post!
ReplyDeleteMomZombie, the frightening, unrelenting, yearning thought is: what if you *had* ended up with your crush, would they still have turned into this person you no longer would stand to be around?
ReplyDeleteI think I have a crush on you. I love this post!
ReplyDeleteThe father in the John Hughes movie Sixteen Candles said, "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."
ReplyDeleteMy own high school crush saga--including getting in touch with him 20 years later--is chronicled on my blog. The posts are under the heading Mr. High School (what else?) in the sidebar. Thanks for sharing yours.