My Quest for Balance

(picture from wallpapersfreedesktop.com)

Recently, I sat on a park bench.  Half of me in shadow, the oak leaves sending fluttering shade over and past me.  The other half  bathed in sunshine, tingling, slightly burning the skin on my shoulder.  Each half balances the other so that I am the perfect temperature.  Every so often, I get a chill, my body’s response to the exquisite harmony.

This is what fall is to me. Balance.  Other seasons do not have this.  Summer is hot, sticky, miserable.  Winter has its bitter cold.  Fall sits in the middle, a respite from their brutal influences.  And, while the other seasons have beauty in their prospective natures, they cannot compare with the amazing portrait that is Autumn. Bright orange and red, balanced with mellow green and brown- even her face has symmetry.

I don’t give much credit to astrology.  Don’t read my horoscope, except as entertainment.  But, as a Libra, I must say, I see some of my sign in my personality.  I cherish balance in all things.  The scales tip one way and another.  I don’t always find it, but I seek for it nonetheless. 

Lately, my searching has gone awry in one area.  My physical self.  I wrote months ago about an epiphany I had, but you know how hard it is to keep positive about ourselves.  I am no different.  My mind can know many things that my heart struggles to accept.  So, while I know my body is an amazing thing, my heart aches with the longing for it to be something else.  Daily, I see women whose outward appearance is beautiful and sleek.  I wonder how anyone can look at me without cringing.  I do it, why wouldn’t they?

My struggle now is to find a way to balance feeling good about myself with the desire/need to change.  It is a teetering tightrope walk.   Healthwise, I know it’s necessary.  I’ve wasted too many years with all this extra baggage.  I’d like nothing more than to shed it once and for all.  I want my heart and lungs and everything else to function for years and years to come.  I want to see my children get married and snuggle with my grandchildren.  I hope to travel with my husband and see things I’ve only dreamed of.  That won’t happen if I stay as I am. 

Who I am is not just my outer shell.   I know that.  My mind is sharp and my spirit kind and good.  But, this temple I abide in is in serious disrepair.  The soul that resides inside must have something strong to call home.

Where does that leave me?  With a challenge for sure.  I must make changes all while reassuring myself that I have worth as I am, that the person making the journey is  just as important and valuable as the one who will finish it.

After much thought and prayer, I’ve decided that I need to make changes one at a time.  I actually struggle with that.  I want to do it all or nothing.  Problem is, it’s usually nothing.   So, I will accept that it’s a process, one that will be slow, but hopefully steady.  My blog will help, I hope.  I  plan to post weekly what my goal/change is for the week and how I’m doing.  

“Change is the essence of life.  Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” 

I surrender.  I want to change.  For me, for my family, for all of our futures. I look forward to finding out what I can become.