|(Image from morguefile.com)|
It's been a weird week. The kids had Monday off and that turned my space/time continuum into sheer confusion. Each day began with the normally allotted hours, but somehow, they ticked themselves off at a rapid pace. Breakfast folded right over into the yells of, "Mom, I'm home!" Those precious minutes, I'd like to have pinched them, held them, for just a bit longer. Laundry piled and no sweet smells waifed from our kitchen. The Handy Man arrived from his day of work and I looked back at mine. Where did it go?
I need a schedule. I realized this sad fact weeks ago. I've tried. I downloaded calendars, blocked out time for each and every task. But, I've lived too long in spontaneity. For two decades, my time has been spent on the whims of my children. The price didn't seem high, but now I find my account is unbalanced. School and appointments, shopping, homework. They constantly make withdrawls, but rarely put anything back. How could they, it's my time. I've happily given it away, but how do I balance their needs with mine?
What's mine has always been theirs. It started with my body- losing all sense of self in those first nine months. Then our home, toys scattered and television shows turned from HBO to Nickelodeon and Disney. Our car, oh how I loved our sporty little car. They took that, too. Date nights disappeared, my days were focused on nursing, diapering, volunteering, reading, teaching...... And, there it happened- my time was no longer my own.
So, schedule I will, because, I need time for me. I need time to write. I long for minutes of quiet so I can create. I crave hours of concentration to edit my book. I need time- to sit, to ponder. It seems selfish to highlight those hours for me. This is mine, my own time and you can't have any. I feel like a kid with an ice cream, refusing to share. The others look on, wondering why I'm keeping those precious moments to myself. Hopefully, the schedule will help. I can take my time and share it, too. It will guide me to the balance of mine and theirs. I'm sure there's enough to go around if I try.