2013- the Year of Me

It's that time of year. Again.  Time to take stock, to look ever so closely at our lives and find out what we're doing wrong.  Then, we decide how to make it right and we do it- we resolute   resolutionize  reserve   oh, crap, we make those dumb resolutions.

People always ask- "What are your resolutions?"  Why don't they ask the real question- "What are you going to fail at this year?"  Isn't that what we're doing? Setting ourselves up for failure?  How many of us even make it past January?  Not me.  So, I've decided to go at it from a different angle this year.

I'm setting resolutions that I can't help but achieve.  That's right. I'm lowering my expectations. I'm setting realistic goals.  Then, I'll be assured of success.

I looked up the most popular resolutions and took my cue from there.  First, of course is weight loss.  Not this year. No, resolution #1 is to gain weight.  I'm thinking ten pounds should be about right.  If I gain more than that, well, then, I'm just an overachiever.  While I'm at it, I think I'll set a goal to eat more chocolate and fried foods.  Maybe I'll figure out how to fry chocolate. Mmmm. I feel successful already.

Next, will be finances.  Save more, spend less? What a crock!  I plan to spend more and save, well, nothing. I've collected several credit card applications which I'll be sending in as a celebration of the new year.  Give me credit, baby! Mamma needs some new boots.

Getting organized made the top ten list, too. Humph.  I've struggled with this one forever.  Thing is, I'm creative. Creative people are supposed to be disorganized.  I'm going to embrace my cluttered self and ignore my messy desk.  Each pile of junk will be a reminder of me achieving my goals.

The last one is time.  See, everyone thinks we need to spend more time with our families.  I'm thinking that all the time I spend with my kids is spoiling them.  I need them to learn independence.  How will they ever know how to take care of themselves if I'm always helicoptering around and doing things like making their food and washing their clothes?  I'm pretty sure Noah can reach the washing machine with a stool.  I need more time for me. More tv and computer, thank you very much.  I've been neglecting facebook and Pintrest doing things like helping with homework and vacuuming.  Well, no more.  I'm going to update my status daily, maybe twice a day! And, if you're on Pintrest, let me know. I'll follow you. I must have more pins!

See, 2013 is going to be the year of ME. I will be successful.   I will pat myself on the back.  Even if I have to stoop to new lows to get there.

Happy New Year!


  1. You're too funny. I doubt if you're going to have to stoop very low at all to pat yourself on the back!! Have a happy new year's eve and day . . . well, crap - have a happy WHOLE year!!

  2. Duh, why have we not been doing this all along?

  3. These are some resolutions I can get behind. Happy new year, Jewels. xo

  4. You've inspired me, Jewels. I'm dropping my kids off at the bus station. If they find their way home, it was meant to be. And if they don't?

    More pudding for me.

    Love your satirical tone here - it's new for you. And I think you should do it again soon. You've got quite the knack.

  5. Happy New Year! Great writing. :)


  6. So funny! Thanks for making me laugh!! Happy New Year!

  7. HiLARious! And, as with so many of these posts, a little too close to home. ;)

  8. You have me smiling and nodding and then seeing myself next January saying 'why do I always fail at resolutions?'

    Ps fried Mars bars are actually sold in some places in the UK, worth a try....they are battered and everything.


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