Monday, December 3, 2012
Tis the Season for Commercials
I'm watching a commercial right now. People are excitedly opening Christmas gifts. They are happy and smiling. Thrilled. What's in their presents?
5 Hour Energy
Oh, yeah. You want to make my Christmas day? Give me some energy in a bottle. Don't worry about the side effects. I need a few heart palpitations to make my holidays better. While you're at it, throw in some Nyquil, that way I can go to sleep after my artificially peppy day.
It's amazing what people will try to sell in the guise of the Christmas spirit. No wonder those advertising execs get paid so well. I've been job hunting, maybe I could get a job in that area. I think I'll start on a few for my resume.
Acme Plungers-- It's the holidays, you have guests, they're eating like there's no tomorrow. Our plungers now come in festive colors to brighten up your bathroom. You'll be happy you were prepared.
Jim's Horseradish-- mayo, mustard? Boring! When your holiday dishes need a little extra kick, or if you just need something to spread on your morning toast, horseradish, the forgotten condiment.
Minty Mouthwash-- It's Mistletoe season, need we say more?
Cheery O's-- Keep a box on hand. Our cereal is a versatile Christmas staple. Make an adorable garland, string us on your tree, and for that last minute party treat? Throw us in a bowl with some chocolate chips- Cheerichocs! It'll be a hit!
Mickey's Mouse Traps-- It may look cute in a book, but no one really wants creatures stirring.
Larry's Coal-- While some consider this a joke, it's the perfect gift for exes, mean bosses and teenagers who have eye-rolling issues.
Maxwell Electronic Fencing-- Peace on Earth is a nice sentiment, but you know you don't want your neighbors on your lawn.
Kotex--Because, it may be Christmas, but, sometimes, Mother Nature just hates you.