Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Breaking the Law of Averages

My house is clean 90% of the time. That's 6 out of 7 days. With that fact, I've found that the law of averages is totally bogus. Why? Because anytime someone 'drops by' my house- it's dirty.

Case in point- Monday night.  I was enjoying my evening, faffing around on the internet when the doorbell rang. Weird. We rarely get visitors afterhours.  I ignored it, sure it wasn't for me. It was. Dang!

When I got downstairs, there was a strange man at the door. Not strange in a wearing-a-skirt-and-gauges way, but in a never-seen-you-before kind of way.  I hesitantly said 'hello', hoping he wasn't a really aggressive bill collector.

"Hi, I'm Blaine's father."
 Oh, it's my daughter's-soon-to-be-fiance's dad. "I'm here to pick up a phone."

While my other kids tried to find said phone, we made chit-chat.  He was very pleasant and friendly. But, all I could think was,
This room is a filthy mess.

Honestly, I couldn't even concentrate because I wanted so badly to start running around the room picking up sweatshirts and Wii remotes.  But, I'm sure that would have brought more attention to the filth, so I used my foot to scoot a chip bag behind me and tried to ignore the rest.

Didn't work.

He went on about Blaine and their plans for California and I kept wondering if I could crawl under one of the piles of junk and hide.  My house is clean like 70% of the time. Why, oh, why do you have to come on one of the three days it's not?

The small talk continued and my brain almost melted with the effort of listening to him and mentally imagining what he'd say to his wife when he got out to the car. ("I think there was a piece of cheese on the couch.")

It's clean 50% of the time! I wanted to scream out to her.  Really, I do own a vacuum. And, I use it!  Please don't think your soon-to-be daughter-in-law is as lazy as I am. 

Finally, we got everything squared away and he said good-bye.  I watched him walk out to the car and almost collapsed.

It's clean, like one day a week, for sure.  Can we just plan on people coming by on that day? We'll make it Sunday.
 If you have to come on another day, for the sake of my sanity, call first.

16 comments:

  1. Excellent use of the word "faffing". Also, I am with you on this. My house is spotless - company ready - exactly 1.5 days a week. That's because we have a houseful every Wednesday night and it has to be and then I yell at everyone the next day to keep it clean and that lasts exactly .5 days.

    I have decided that people can just look at my piles of junk if they decide to stop by unannounced and also they cannot expect any sort of reasonable conversation from me because I will only be hearing the words: "This room is a filthy mess!" in my head.

    This post made me laugh aloud in my newly cleaned house.

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    1. I babysit my friend's kids every now and then. It's pathetic that when my children see me cleaning, they'll ask, "Are you babysitting today?"

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  2. When I see people driving up in the driveway .. I run .. most of the time it's to my room to change because I'm still in my pjamas.. but when I'm not, it's to throw stuff in the hall so the living room looks presentable and then every time I pass the hall I grab a load of stuff to put away.

    So if you pass by and I'm huffing and puffing.. don't look in the hallway.

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  3. I don't even try anymore. The extent of my cleaning is wiping off the toliet seat for the piano teacher before she comes. I figure my house will be clean when all these people move out. And when I hire a maid. I applaud you for trying, though! Love the line about kicking the chip bag behind you. Your future in-law has kids, right? I'm sure he gets it. The saving grace about being married to Joe is he NEVER notices how messy our house is because he spends a lot of his time on calls visiting some pretty questionable Chicago residences. Ours is house-beautiful in comparison.

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  4. Too funny. I used to be a nutcase about cleaning the house every day, but I eventually realized that when I visit someone else, I don't notice if their kitchen floor's been waxed and all that stuff. So trust me, people don't notice when they come to visit you, either. Relax. There's a lot more important things in life than keeping an immaculate house. Like keeping a happy one.

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    1. That's so true, I don't notice other houses either. Just harder on ourselves, as usual.

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  5. Catching up on my reading.....Love all your posts!! Especially the one about the clean house....I have nightmares about people finding out how dirty my house is!!

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    1. That's funny, because I was always impressed by how clean your house was.

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  6. OK, I just typed a comment and it went somewhere....weird (techno wizard girl here)

    I just thought maybe you could make a sign announcing "visiting day" on the clean day! My house is never together...this just isn't the season for it. I swear I get the irrational fear someone is going to die when it is a total wreck because my MIL will show up and know what a horrid housekeeper I am! I don't know what I do all day.....

    Found your blog via "Be My Valentine" Marriage Challenge and I can't wait to read more!

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    1. I LOVE the visiting day sign idea!
      Luckily, my mother-in-law lives 45 minutes away, so 'drop-ins' don't happen with her.

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  7. My kids always bring home a new friend on the day our house is at its absolute worst. I just looked around....today seems to be that day! I'll just pull out the ice cream bars and bribe them all to avert their eyes from the cluttered dining room table and the dust bunny colony making it's way out from under the couch.

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    1. I cringed the first time my daughter's friend went to her room and had to step over some laundry in the hall. Now, I figure the kids don't notice, or if they do, they don't mind.

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  8. I loved this post! My house is also clean 90%* of the week.

    *by 90%, I mean 10%

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  9. My house is never clean. There, I've said it. I just can't do it anymore. Two small children, and no storage... honestly, it would be weird if it WAS clean. Sometimes it *looks* clean, but only if you don't open my bedroom door. Or oven. Or bathroom. Nevermind.

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  10. With so many people, 90% clean is a pipe dream. Take it from someone who only has half the children you do... ;)

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  11. My house is clean every single time someone comes over and sees it dirty. It's like I get some magical motivation that says "I will never let that happen again"....until I do. :)

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