Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Mother Nature is Making Me Wicked

She's a temperamental woman, that Mother Nature.  She has a way of bringing out the worst in me.  There are seven deadly sins, and I'm pretty sure, this winter, she's helped me cover them all.


Envy- oh, she makes me envious.  I look on at neighbors who own snowblowers,  and I feel a need to push a gas-powered-snow-sucking-then-shooting machine.  I would dance in the mini snowstorm it created. I would clear my driveway and those of all my neighbors. I would make a snow-maze for the kids to get lost in. I would dance down the street blowing snow all the way.
I also covet those with snow-worthy vehicles.  As I trudge down the slick roads in my Escort that is almost old enough to drink, I long to have a car that is youthful and capable and that doesn't limp around on a donut. I almost wish I could slide off into a snowbank.  Leave it there till spring. Maybe it would grow into a minivan.

Gluttony- Ever heard of stress eating? Ever driven on snow-packed roads?  I could finish off an entire bag of peanut butter M&M's just getting to my kids' school.

Greed-No you may not have any of my diet Coke. No, I will not share the good hot chocolate. My kids only like sharing two things- germs and anything that is mine. Sorry, you can keep your viruses and I'll keep my stuff.

Pride-  What does pride have to do with winter? Fashion.  This is the one time of year that I like how I look.  Bulky sweaters, long sleeves, boots and scarves. Dang, I look good.

Wrath- In all our years of marriage, my husband has taken a handful of sick days.  Honestly, I have tried to get him to sluff work and stay home with me. I've used all of my feminine wiles to convince him. Never works.  This winter he has taken two days- both of them when he was in-the-bed-don't-talk-to-me-or-touch-me sick.  What do I get to do? Make him chicken noodle soup--and all my other, usual, everyday tasks. hmpf! When I get sick, do I get to stay in bed while someone else makes me soup and cleans the house? In my dreams.

Lust- Shhh. This one doesn't involve the Handy Man.  I'm talking about other strange desires.  Like the men who drive snowplows.  I find them strangely attractive.  Wearing their neon orange vests driving those powerful machines, shoving the muck out of the way.  Put your plow down, Mister,  I'll follow you anywhere.

Sloth- Oh, she makes me lazy.  When the snow starts to fly, I just want to sit at home, sipping cocoa, watching the Mentalist re-runs and supervising my children's cleaning projects.  But, she laughs at me, knowing I must go to parent-teacher conferences and the bank. She snickers as I shovel the driveway-again- all while she works furiously to fill it back up.  Rude.

Mother Nature- temptress and tease. Bring us some sunshine, I dare you.

13 comments:

  1. Great post. You made me laugh.

    Aunt Elaine

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    1. Thanks, Aunt Elaine. It makes me so happy that you read my blog.

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  2. yeah, neon orange always does that to me too :) I must say that I don't envy you guys your weather lately. So glad we're not driving to the MTC - - I'd be so stressed!!

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    1. That would be a long drive.
      I keep thinking this will be the last storm, but I keep getting proven wrong.

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  3. I'm curious. Why are you shoveling snow when you have two large boys who could do it??

    Mom

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    1. I thought the same thing this morning as I shoveled and they were warm in bed. They did shovel this afternoon, though. We've done the driveway about four times today.

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  4. I can especially relate to that envy bit. I drive an old Dodge Caravan. The heat makes a horrible racket, and both window sun shades have broken off. I have a cracked windshield. Anyway, Envy, yes. Yes. Very much so. You made me laugh.

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    1. That's the one that'll drag me to hell, I'm sure.

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  5. 'put your plow down I'll follow you anywhere' LMAO. You always make me giggle Jewels, thank you!!

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  6. This was hilarious. I too am exceptionally attractive in my JC Penney sweaters & turtlenecks. I hope you're entering every contest for a trip to Florida like me! It's all I got right now to keep me from crawling under my desk and wailing "WHYYYYYY God WHYYYYY?"

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  7. Hahahaha! (Parentheses one: You are now the recipient of the much-coveted but rarely bestowed hahahaha comment. It's reserved for when a blog post makes me laugh out loud, and I wish that I could say something witty, but it's all been said already.) (Parentheses two: And I love this even more because just a few minutes ago I threw my white clay in the bin in a fit of frustration because I can't make it look like snow, and decided to read blogs instead. Screw winter.)

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  8. Given that we are in the path of Monster Storm Nemo or whatever the heck they're calling it (I mean if it's a MONSTER storm shouldn't it be called "Sully" or whatever the other Monster's name was? Seriously, don't meterologists watch Disney movies at all?!), I can identify a little too closely with most of this.

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  9. This has most definitely been a long torturous winter. I think the light at the end of the tunnel is starting to show!

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