Sunday, July 7, 2013
Help Thou Mine Unbelief
I am a woman of faith.
This is what I believe. I grew up going to church, praying, reading scriptures, I even served a mission. All because I believed. Throughout my life, my faith was tested. But, I always came out victor-through trials and tests, my faith got me through.
One test though, I wasn't ready for.
It happened when Sadie was a newborn. She was my sweet baby girl, a gift of ease after a couple of trying boys. Her birth was easy, she nursed like a champ, and slept only in her own bed. Then, one day, I woke with a strange hardness in my breast. The lump was red and hot. Just touching it brought me to tears. Without a computer, or the ease of the internet, I turned to our medical book, scouring the pages as I was too embarrassed to call my mom.
What I found was that I had mastitis--a nasty breast infection. This terrified me, not because I feared medical treatment, but because I feared the cost. We had no health insurance and I knew we couldn't afford a doctor visit, let alone antibiotics.
I nursed her on the other side, but the infected side became engorged. Not knowing what else to do, I nursed her from the red and swollen breast. She almost immediately threw up. I broke down in tears.
I did the only thing I knew.
I asked my husband for a blessing.
I had had numerous blessings in my life, mostly by my father. I believed in their power. I believed in their peace. I had seen other people healed.
But, I doubted it would happen for me.
I looked at my little girl, knowing I needed this for her as much as for me. My husband gave me a blessing then, took the boys and left me alone for the day. I laid in bed with a fever, my head felt like it would explode while the infection raged inside. I felt so lost, drowning in the doubt that was keeping me from the answer I needed.
Then, a scripture came to mind. I'd heard the story before, a father pleading with the Savior for his son. Jesus tells him that all things are possible to him that believeth. The man replies, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."* I clung to that phrase, repeated it in my prayer. I asked for the miracle I didn't feel I deserved. I asked Him to look past my doubts and heal me.
By morning, the lump had all but disappeared. After a day, I was able to nurse again.
I believe that the Lord knows us. He is aware of us and our needs. He knows our faith and understands our doubts. He is waiting for us to come to Him and ask.
I am a woman of faith.
(This talk is also on this scripture. It's one of my favorites. Happy Sabbath.)