I Need to Be As I Am
This summer sort of shook my foundations and left me feeling off kilter. I avoided writing because every time I sat and thought, my mind went into dark places where I didn't want to go. I distracted myself with television and music and reading and my kids.
Now, the kids are back in school and the cloud that hung over us, and threatened a violent storm, simply dissipated into the atmosphere. I have hours and hours in front of me to do whatever I want.
But, what is it I want?
I want to be the woman I am supposed to be. Who is she? I have wondered and pondered over that. Does she look like me? How can she be an influence on others? What can she do? Does she wake up early to exercise? Will she keep her house clean? Does she need a job? I honestly didn't know.
And, then, I prayed. I simply asked, "What is it You need me to be?"
The answer did not come suddenly. It wasn't loud and did not bring with it any angelic visitors. It came hours later, when I was sitting alone. The thought came to my mind clearly and quietly--
"I need you to be a writer."
Even now, it brings tears to my eyes. To think that this thing that I love, that I have always loved, the thing I want to do more than anything (aside from being a wife and mother), is also what He wants of me. Have I chosen what He chose, or does He simply approve of my choice? It doesn't matter, really.
"Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other." (-Bible Dictionary)
This does not mean I won't feel overwhelmed or that I won't struggle. But, knowing that I am doing His will, and that this is what will bring me closer to the woman He wants me to be, that makes it easier. It keeps me going, one step at a time.
And, there's more, of course. More sides to me to be developed. It's a process and I will seek out the paths I need to take. And, hopefully my progress will be of help to others.
Do you know who you are becoming? What you need to be? I challenge you to find out.