A couple nights ago, my husband was in the bathroom and I heard a weird sound. (Not THAT kind of sound. Gross.) Then, he said, "Come see the spider that was on my neck."
Do I have to explain how many things are wrong about that sentence?
I went in, and, sure enough, there was an eight-legged monstrosity climbing around in the sink. (Maybe monstrosity is exaggerating. But, she was creepy. If she had a name it would be Desdemona, which means 'of the devil'.) *shudder* Then, the Handy Man said, "I think it bit my neck."
I looked. Yep, two red welts just below his hairline.
Hey! I'm the only one allowed to bite his neck!
"I wonder where it came from?" the Handy Man said.
"Probably the garage." Lots of spiders there. I think they're attracted to my minivan. Can't blame them, it is all kinds of awesomeness. They probably all get together and just look at it.
I said farewell to Desdemona as she met a watery grave.
I think I shuddered about 17 times after that.
This morning, after taking the Handy Man to work I sat on my bed to watch GMA. I thought I felt something on my neck. It's been a few days and I'm feeling less squeamish, so I casually brushed it. I continue to watch Lara and Josh banter about Pop News. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see movement and look down.
Spider. On. My. Chest.
I squealed. I brushed furiously at my t-shirt. I jumped up. Tore off my sweater and threw it to the ground. I shook my hair. Then, I did a self-pat-down that would make any policeman proud. I scanned the bed, and then I saw it. Small and black and fuzzy. I'm pretty sure I know what was going through his mind-
"Yes! I am camouflaged by this black and white quilt. She'll never see me now."
He forgot that my blanket doesn't move.
His next thought probably went along the lines of, "Is this spider heaven? Desdemona, is that you?"