National Arachnophobia Week
It isn't really Arachnophobia Week, but it should be. I mean, those of us who are afraid of spiders are obviously the smartest and most sensible people. So, in honor of my made up holiday, I'm composing a letter to all of the eight-legged critters who reside in my home.
I understand that you live in my house. I'm willing to let you stay, if you will agree to abide by a few basic rules. These will help us live together in peace.
- You will not hide in the dirty laundry so that when I put it in the wash, I find you crawling among the clothes. This makes it impossible to take the clothes out after the cycle is done, even though I know you probably didn't survive.
- If you feel the need to make a web, do not, under any circumstance, make it over a doorway. I might walk into it and destroy all your hard work.
- Running around the kitchen floor is a big no-no. I could step on you, causing you to bite my foot, at which point I will call my husband- aka The Spider Executioner- to take care of you.
- Running across the furniture at any time is strictly forbidden! My bed is the most off-limits of any off-limits place. Seriously.
- Stop skulking in the corners. I may only find you when I vacuum, but that is bad news for you. As much as I despise the thought of you crawling around my vacuum bag, I will suck you up! (One reason I just couldn't have a canister vac. *shiver*)
- If you could just stay in the walls where I can't see you and can just imagine that you aren't here at all, that would be great. We could live in peace and the Executioner can focus on his other tasks, like giving me back rubs.
Sincerely, Jewels President of the Spiders-give-me-the-willies Club