Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Getting Something Off my Chest

I think my behind is going to mold into the shape of my car seat.  That's because I've spent so much of the last few weeks sitting in it.
I'm so tired.
Why have I been driving around Layton/Kaysville, you may ask? OK, here it goes. Confession time. My oldest, who should be graduating in two days- isn't. Why I'm so embarrassed to admit this here, I'm not sure. My family knows. Pretty much my whole ward knows. I've brushed it off like it doesn't matter. "It's no big deal. He'll get his diploma, just not with his class." I can't count how many times I've said that.
I don't believe it.
It IS a big deal.  Your kids work for 12 years for this day and to have them miss the mark is painful.  I feel like I've totally failed as a mom. Like I should've pushed him harder, stood over his shoulder, forced him to.... what? Care? Understand the very long-reaching effect his actions (or lack of them) would have? Some things can't be pushed.  Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.
Oh, so the car. Yeah. Adam withdrew from school a few weeks ago (I refuse to use the word 'drop-out'. Ugh!) and enrolled in the DATC (Davis Applied Technology Center) two days later. This is where he will earn his high school diploma.  How long it takes depends totally on him. (Are you serious? Isn't that how we got into this situation???)  Since he doesn't yet have his licence (getting it was dependent on his grades, so no big surprise there) I have to shuttle him back and forth to school and Seminary.  My car has been guzzling gas like me with diet Coke.  When I told my sister about the driving around thing, she said, "You're such a good mom." I smiled weakly because inside I was thinking, 'Oh, no, I'm not.'
I also know why I'm embarrassed. Because a few of my good friends who read this blog have very 'straight-A-brilliant' children.  (You know who you are.)  I am totally intimidated when I read their blogs about how wonderfully fabulous their kids are doing. But, I love them and I celebrate the successes they and their families have. I do. (She says as she turns just the lightest shade of green.)
I did not write this post for sympathy or pity or anything like that. I felt like I needed to get it out so I can go on and hopefully come to terms with my failure  continuing attempts at good mothering.
Tomorrow, a happier post. I promise.
(Adam did graduate from Seminary, which makes me very happy. You can see pictures here.)

6 comments:

  1. I didn't graduate from seminary and literally squeaked by in high school. The counselor let me do some extra credit for her so I'd be able to graduate.
    I do have a college degree and successful life;).
    And as for my childrens grades- everytime I go in garretts class ue has his nose in a book and te teacher has given up on redirecting him.
    Just remember we are all in this together... Promise.
    Love your honesty!

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  2. Did you know that Will didn't graduate from school with his class? Yep, too busy out playing in the dirt. He did get it, eventually (before we started dating, thankfully), and has his Bachelors' Degree, and a good job. I would like to tell you that there is no need to be embarrassed about it, but I understand where that feeling is coming from. Adam will figure it out eventually. And, if you are a failure at parenting, I am in deep trouble!

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  3. I, for one, do not believe you to be anything other than fabulous in every role you play! One of my brothers was a 'drop out' and went on to get his GED. He never went to college but now makes the most money of the 7 of us working for a computer company. Another brother barely passed and is now making big bucks as a nurse anesthetist. It isn't a reflection on you, but I absolutely know that you can't help but feel responsible. Only a long-range lens will see how this plays out - you are terrific!

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  5. I just realized I used your sons name in my comment and you don't use their names so I deleted it. Sorry, I hope you got it.

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  6. He graduated Seminary....I am sooo jealous of that. Zack didn't graduate and neither will Josh...too many missed days of early morning Seminary. I spend many minutes and hours and days of my life thinking I'm faling as a mother. Adam is such a good kid, he'll get it. Oh and by the way, I dropped out of high school....somthing I'm very ashamed of now but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I just want you to know I love you and I've never thought of you as a failure...EVER!

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