Christmas Tips from the Christmas Queen

(I know we're all feeling less jolly than usual this week. I considered not writing funny posts, lest you think me insensitive.  But, I think one of the best ways to get past the sadness is to have a laugh.  Our hearts may be a bit broken, but life does go on.)


I am the Queen of Christmas. You know, I never procrastinate, I shop early, I serve my neighbors and think only happy thoughts. (Don't be jealous, it isn't flattering. Or Christmas-y.)
As my gift to you, my loyal subjects, I'm going to share my top 5 last minute Christmas tips.  I think these will help you get through the holidays with as much style as me. (You know you want to be me.) Today, is tip #1.

Tip #1-Shopping at Wal-Mart

Now, I know there are those who look down their noses at Wal-Mart for it's many civility violations, but really, there are some positives to the store, too. Let's not forget to be optimistic during the holidays, k?

There are several reasons to do your shopping at the Mart of the Wal. First, is the fact that they keep you apprised of how many days you have left to shop.

I think this is invaluable.  How many of us simply forget how much time we have?  Especially if you have kids. It's not like they're going to tell you every hour how many days till the fat guy in the red suit will be here. (And, they're not likely to ask you every day how Santa will be getting in since you don't have a fireplace. Tell them he comes in the front door, tell them over and over. They'll still question you because the TV and books say fireplace, so clearly, you're wrong.) I think it's especially clever how the little sign blinks the days, sort of sets the stage for your panic attack.

Second, the dress code.  Honestly, where else can you simply pull on some sweats, or even stay in your jammies, to shop?

 If you're wearing cute jeans or a skirt, you're trying too hard.  One should never enter the hallowed halls of Wal-Mart in anything other than tennies or slippers.  And, if you have some cleavage you're proud of, honey, show it off.  I love seeing women in sweat pants and a tank top that is two sizes too small. In fact, while I'm there, I think I'll head over to the girls section to pick up a shirt or two for myself. The Handy Man can thank me later.

Last and most important is the selection.  Come on.  A store where you can buy everything from fungus removers to lingerie.

 Fungi-Nail, not to be confused with

Piggy Paste.

  I mean, if they don't have it, girl, you don't need it.  Got an itch to make a craft? Got it. Going to a ball game and need a cup?

They come in every size from junior to xtra large- convenient!

Covered.
They have high quality food items from egg nog to your holiday ham. And, for Christmas? Well, there is no one you can't shop for here.

A padded toilet seat for your in-laws says, 'We're thinking of your comfort.'

Your cousin gained some weight this year?

 A muu-muu is fashionable and comfortable, while hiding those extra pounds.
And, did you know they have fine jewelry?  Oh, yeah.  A kiss may begin with K, but a shotgun wedding begins at the Wal-Mart jewelry counter.
So, there you go.  Tip number one. Don't be so worried about the social implications.  This is Christmas. You gotta get more for less so you can impress all your family and friends.  Be sure to write it on the card, because that's like icing on the cake-- "I got it at Wal-Mart."

Family Pictures, continued...

1993- Fairfax, VA
(I was pregnant for five Christmases.)

1994- check out the 'stache!