Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Christmas Tips from the Christmas Queen


(I know we're all feeling less jolly than usual this week. I considered not writing funny posts, lest you think me insensitive.  But, I think one of the best ways to get past the sadness is to have a laugh.  Our hearts may be a bit broken, but life does go on.)


I am the Queen of Christmas. You know, I never procrastinate, I shop early, I serve my neighbors and think only happy thoughts. (Don't be jealous, it isn't flattering. Or Christmas-y.)
As my gift to you, my loyal subjects, I'm going to share my top 5 last minute Christmas tips.  I think these will help you get through the holidays with as much style as me. (You know you want to be me.) Today, is tip #1.

Tip #1-Shopping at Wal-Mart

Now, I know there are those who look down their noses at Wal-Mart for it's many civility violations, but really, there are some positives to the store, too. Let's not forget to be optimistic during the holidays, k?

There are several reasons to do your shopping at the Mart of the Wal. First, is the fact that they keep you apprised of how many days you have left to shop.




I think this is invaluable.  How many of us simply forget how much time we have?  Especially if you have kids. It's not like they're going to tell you every hour how many days till the fat guy in the red suit will be here. (And, they're not likely to ask you every day how Santa will be getting in since you don't have a fireplace. Tell them he comes in the front door, tell them over and over. They'll still question you because the TV and books say fireplace, so clearly, you're wrong.) I think it's especially clever how the little sign blinks the days, sort of sets the stage for your panic attack.

Second, the dress code.  Honestly, where else can you simply pull on some sweats, or even stay in your jammies, to shop?

 If you're wearing cute jeans or a skirt, you're trying too hard.  One should never enter the hallowed halls of Wal-Mart in anything other than tennies or slippers.  And, if you have some cleavage you're proud of, honey, show it off.  I love seeing women in sweat pants and a tank top that is two sizes too small. In fact, while I'm there, I think I'll head over to the girls section to pick up a shirt or two for myself. The Handy Man can thank me later.

Last and most important is the selection.  Come on.  A store where you can buy everything from fungus removers to lingerie.
 Fungi-Nail, not to be confused with
Piggy Paste.


  I mean, if they don't have it, girl, you don't need it.  Got an itch to make a craft? Got it. Going to a ball game and need a cup?
They come in every size from junior to xtra large- convenient!
Covered.
They have high quality food items from egg nog to your holiday ham. And, for Christmas? Well, there is no one you can't shop for here.


A padded toilet seat for your in-laws says, 'We're thinking of your comfort.'

Your cousin gained some weight this year?

 A muu-muu is fashionable and comfortable, while hiding those extra pounds.
And, did you know they have fine jewelry?  Oh, yeah.  A kiss may begin with K, but a shotgun wedding begins at the Wal-Mart jewelry counter.
So, there you go.  Tip number one. Don't be so worried about the social implications.  This is Christmas. You gotta get more for less so you can impress all your family and friends.  Be sure to write it on the card, because that's like icing on the cake-- "I got it at Wal-Mart."

Family Pictures, continued...

1993- Fairfax, VA
(I was pregnant for five Christmases.)

1994- check out the 'stache!

7 comments:

  1. Heh. I'm definitely thinking positive. If the kids say something about Santa's difficulties getting in I defer to magic. For that matter, if there's anything I can't explain, I usually say it's magic. Love the funnies, love the pictures, love it all. Thanks for keeping my spirits up.

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  2. You are truly a Jewel. I'm giggling all over. Love the family pictures and can't imagine being pregnant 5 Christmases or really 5 anythings.
    We don't have Wal-Mart here in Seattle, I would have to travel out to *gasp* the suburbs to go to one. I like to think it's because of my high ideals that I don't shop there, but really it's because of my fear of the suburbs.

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  3. Oh Walmart is the best for people watching. I could sit down at one of those extremely uncomfortable benches and people watch all day.. never a dull moment. (;

    Thanks for the smiles, Jewels!

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  4. Smiles all around. Most loved: the countdown to Christmas reminder!

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  5. Piggy Paste made me wet myself.

    Whatever you do....mum's the word to MOV on the house of 'Mart.

    It may kill her.

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  6. In a giggle worthy post, I got my own special giggle from the toilet seat--considering the fantastic zebra print duct tape that I applied to my toilet seat just in time for my mother-in-law's visit this summer. We did finally break down and buy a replacement seat (at Kmart, not Walmart--cuz the closest Walmart is 40 minutes away), just in time for my dad's visit this December. ;)

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  7. Why hasn't Asda taken on some of Walmart's fabulous traits now they are the same family? Yes we have the PJ shoppers, but no count down sign....I feel deprived!

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