Friday, February 7, 2014

His Right Foot

I sometimes wonder how my feet ever got married to my husband's. They are so incredibly different. 

He wears shoes. All. Day. Long. Like, even if he isn't going to leave the house for the rest of the day, his shoes stay on. Until bedtime. My feet start to sweat when I just look at his shoe-clad tootsies. I take off my shoes about 2.7 seconds after I walk in the door. 

Also, his feet do not like to be touched. Ever. Mine? Oh, please, my feet are sluts. They would be touched all day everyday if they could. And, then they would beg you to touch them some more.

Also, his feet are sort of ugly. He doesn't feel bad. He has man-feet. They're never attractive. Mine are pretty cute, even if they are humongous size 11's. 

I like his feet, though. They carry him around and he lets me use them as heaters when mine get cold in the night. But, they've had a bit of a sordid history. 


First, he chopped his foot with an ax.  Diagnosis: severed tendon. Treatment: surgery. 


Then, just this summer, he had a growing mole. Diagnosis: Melanoma. Treatment: Amputation.



Are you seeing a pattern here? Yeah, me too. His poor feet.  Since these two issues with his left foot, I'm used to watching him limp. He does it everyday. But, a few weeks ago, I noticed something. We were walking through Wal-Mart (sadly, we do this often), and I said, "Are you limping on your right foot?"

'Yes.'

"Um, why?"

"I don't know. It'll be fine."

This is a standard line for him, especially where his paws are concerned. I immediately went into 'Mom-Mode'. 
"How long has it been like this?" 
"Where does it hurt?" 
"Did you do something to it?"

His answers didn't satisfy me, but since I'm not his mom, I let him be. For a while. 

It's been three weeks, people. Three weeks he's limped along proclaiming 'he's fine'. So, I did what I do. I googled it. My very unprofessional-internet diagnosis- stress fracture. 

I called the doctor. 

All the way there, the Handy Man was telling me how it 'feels much better today'. I rolled my eyes. 

We went in and the doctor examined him. He confirmed my google-diagnosis, he thought it was a stress fracture, too. I tried not to boast. But, after an xray, we found out that we were both wrong. (I felt better because the doctor was wrong, too.)

 It's hard to see but there is this little shadow, which it turns out, is a break, a spiral break. 

We have no idea how it happened. I think maybe the right foot was a bit envious of all the attention the left has been getting. Or, maybe it's just years and years of standing on them all day. Or, maybe it's a result of wearing shoes too much.  Either way, we're seeing an orthopedist next week to see what the treatment will be. Surgery is possible. Or a cast. And, touching. Lots of foot touching.

My feet are so jealous.

5 comments:

  1. Poor guy! I don't know how a spiral break feels but I have had a stress fracture. Not super fun. BTW....I love that you said your feet are sluts!! Seriously, I laughed so hard...you made my day!

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  2. I MAY have gotten hung up on the fact that you are also a size 11 - we could totally share shoes! Except I have the bad feet and my husband has the cute ones. I hope hobbles is feeling better soon!

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  3. Oh his poor, nasty foot. Hope he's up and hobbling around soon.
    Feet are, by and large, icky. Except mine. Mine are perfect.

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  4. *snort* your feet are sluts...I will be saying this line over and over in my head for awhile and it will make me happy every time I think of it. If I could crack a wishbone and throw a thought into the universe's ears, it would be that your hubs feels better as soon as possible, and that he has no more issues with his feet.

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  5. Feet are weird. My husband has such a high arch that his foot is almost curved--we say he has bird feet, but they also look kind of like dinosaur feet--a velociraptor maybe. In contrast, mine are very nearly flat. And I'm a barefoot girl from way back. Shoes and even socks are torture devices in my opinion. Hope the Handy Man's spiral break is healed up by now and that your slut feet have been getting plenty of attention. :)

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